Ramblings from a Twisted Mind: Divahood
August 5, 2009 in Humour/CommentaryYou've made it. You're a successful female singer with airplay, fans, a solid career... but, for some reason, you're not a Diva. What are you doing wrong? This issue, Twisted Girl explores the stumbling blocks that may stand between you and the exalted state of Divahood.
First off, are you now wearing or have you ever worn Birkenstocks? Those are comfortable shoes, but being a Diva isn't about comfort. Trade them in for something less stable and a lot more painful. Actually, you may want to go this direction with your life in general.
Now, take a look at your rider. What do you mean, you don't have one? Have your personal assistant draft one at once. Not your manager. Your personal assistant. Until you reach superstar status (and earnings), you may have to do this sort of thing yourself. That's fine. Sign it with your dog's name and make sure no one ever finds out. And no, it is not a problem if your personal assistant is named Fluffykins.
Consider your repertoire. What you're looking for is a song with a sustained high note. The pitch is important - the higher the better - but what really matters is that you get in there with both lungs and shove that note out until your listeners are checking their watches and heading for the parking lot. If you don't have a song that will allow you to do this, call Diane Warren.
Finally, seriously, call Diane Warren. Or rummage through her trash for discarded sheet music. If she can turn Michael Bolton into a Diva, surely she can do it for you.
Yours in Divahood,