Ramblings from a Twisted Mind: Roadkill

by SaskMusic

August 4, 2009 in Humour/Commentary

How many bands have said they couldn't have made it through the tour without their road manager? No question about it - the road manager is an important figure in Canadian music. What does it take to be the glue holding a tour together? I asked one of Canada's top road managers and he agreed to answer my questions...as long as I didn't reveal his name. He's shy, I guess.

Twisted Girl: What does a person need to be a great road manager?
Road Manager: Bail.

TG: What I meant was -
RM: You gotta be able to make bail.

TG: I thought you'd say an understanding of the scene...a love of music...a way with people...
RM: Don't do much good when your guitarist is licking the floor of a drunk tank in Eyebrow.

TG: There's a drunk tank in Eyebrow?
RM: That's not the point.

TG: What is the point?
RM: Musicians are monsters. When I said "bail", I was wrong. I shoulda said "handcuffs". Or maybe that whatchamacallit -->
TG: You're talking about talented artists.
RM: On stage, sure. Get 'em off stage and they're down in the hotel basement finding out what happens when you pour a boilermaker into a boiler.

TG: Are you serious?
RM: You think that's a joke? Here's a joke. How many road managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

TG: One?
RM: Damn straight. But he never gets around to it. By the time he's finished dealing with the crew, the media, the venue, and the screamin' kids by the stage door, he can't find the light bulb anymore. And when he finally does find it, it's broken `cause the idiot drummer sat on it. Then he's gotta spend the night picking pieces of glass outta the drummer's

TG: Thanks for talking to me.
RM: Anytime.

Originally published April/May 2001.

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