Ramblings from a Twisted Mind: Buying In

by SaskMusic

August 4, 2009 in Humour/Commentary

I said, "I'd like this song to be number one." He said, "I'd really like to help you, my son." And I knew that I would have him to thank, because he asked how much I had in the bank.
-They Might Be Giants, Hey Mr. DJ

Some people believe the problem with payola is that it's unfair, unethical, and...well, illegal. Others say the problem is that it's expensive. The real problem is that a typical Canadian music director finds payola confusing. You see, they've never held money before. They work in radio, where money is a fabled object seen only by a chosen few.

Leave your cash at home and give these people something they understand. For example:

1. Food. The fastest way to the charts is through a music director's stomach. It doesn't have to be fancy...anything from a six pack of doughnuts to the crumbs at the bottom of a chip bag will do. Just remember to keep your hands away from their mouth.

2. Clothing. They may tell you they're wearing that outfit because they like it, but you know better. Give them something decent to wear. They'll love you for it.

3. Bus Tickets. Hey, everybody has to get to work somehow.

The other sure route to success is to send money directly to me. Honestly, baby -->

Originally published October 1999.

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